Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
