hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
did you just send me my own nude
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
