dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
