You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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