Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
