found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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