I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
two words: eviction party
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
