and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
