when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
