do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And then he peed in my hair
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