Come see our sink grown plant.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drake has all the answers
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
