she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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