I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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