Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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