i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
