Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
