His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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