We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Holy sore nipples Batman
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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