im six kinds of drunk right now
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize