Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
