Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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