That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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