Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize