Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just pee around me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
