i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
