One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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