I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
