my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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