I can text with my tongue
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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