just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Come on in and take your pants off
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