No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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