Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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