I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
