I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
