walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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