it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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