I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
