I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw a hot homeless man
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
