Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i will never coherently bang her
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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