Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
