I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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