my phone needs a breathalizer
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Sober January is a disaster.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
