oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
