You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
