Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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