I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
