I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
