I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
