Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
