I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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