did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
