Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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