I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
