Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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