$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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