I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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