having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We are two peas in an std pod
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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