You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize