someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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