I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
